


But My Soul

by hunters_retreat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cabin Fic, Comfort, Incest, Kissing, M/M, On The Hunt, incestuous kisses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-02
Updated: 2010-05-02
Packaged: 2018-05-05 19:19:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5387324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hunters_retreat/pseuds/hunters_retreat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had the wistful image of pushing his brother back down onto his bed,  feeling Dean’s body under his own, pressing into that welcoming heat,  but he closed his eyes, letting the fantasy sway him momentarily, until  it was time to come back, remember where and who he was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But My Soul

**Author's Note:**

> Written right after I finished my Big bang last night :P  For some reason, I was thinking about a kiss I shared with a friend once and what if that was all you ever got?  This came from it :P

 

'Twas not my lips you kissed But my soul  
~Judy Garland

 

  
  
The night sky cast the room in shades of blue as Sam sat staring out the window.  He hated being so far away from the world, away from civilization, but they rolled with the hunts and if that meant a hunting cabin in the woods, then so be it.  The world around them was quiet and Sam had never learned to deal with that.  He preferred the boisterous noise of the city and the never ending stream of lights and car horns.

Nature gave him too much time to reflect and reflection was never fond of the Winchester boys.

“Sammy?”

He turned to look at Dean, hair disheveled, eyes half lidded in sleep.  Beautiful.  He had the wistful image of pushing his brother back down onto his bed, feeling Dean’s body under his own, pressing into that welcoming heat, but he closed his eyes, letting the fantasy sway him momentarily, until it was time to come back, remember where and who he was.

“Couldn’t sleep.”  He answered softly, not wanting Dean to hear anything else in his voice.

“Sam?”

He closed his eyes again and conjured pictures of Jess in his mind.  So beautiful, so full of life and laughter.  She’d been his anchor at Stanford, his lifeline in a world without his brother.  He remembered kissing her for hours on end, making her beg for every touch and how she’d let out the most amazing half laugh half sob when he gave her over to her release.  He’d make love to her for hours, keeping her on the edge, taking her to it and past it so many times. 

He remembered the guilt every morning when he still woke looking for someone else’s lips.

Ruby had been nothing like Jess.  She had been hard and fast and Sam took what he needed from her more than anything else.  He didn’t feel guilty when he buried himself in her body, didn’t wonder what it would be like to taste those lips forever.

He didn’t feel guilty when Dean shoved a knife into her.  He didn’t feel guilty for holding her back.  He felt guilty for taking so long.

He’d never understood this thing, never let himself think too much about it.  When they were younger it was just something they hadn’t quite grown out of.  As a teen it was just experimenting.  It wasn’t until he began to try to understand that he’d thought of running.  Stanford hadn’t been far enough away.  Jess hadn’t been soft enough.  Ruby hadn’t been hard enough.  Nothing would ever replace this and he knew it.

 “Sam?”  He nearly jumped except that Dean’s voice, as close as it now was, was so damn soft. 

“Yeah Dean?”

“We’ll find a way.  We’ll get through this.”

He could feel tears in his eyes even as a smile formed on his face.  The crux of his relationship with Dean, the polar needs his brother inspired him, laugh or cry, run to him or run away and hide. 

He could still see the box in his mind’s eye, sitting in the middle of the bed, the things that Dean had found necessary to give away.  Such a small box to pass onto the world for a man who did so much good.

“I know Dean.”  Sam said as he turned his head.

Dean was right there, leaning into Sam’s shoulder and as their eyes met Dean’s lips brushed over his pale skin.

“Dean,” he wasn’t sure if he was begging or refusing.  It wasn’t much, what they gave one another, but it was all they could allow, all they could give in to.  Dean had refused even that much ever since Ruby had come into their lives and he knew he’d deserved that.  He didn’t expect Dean to ever forgive him. 

Except it was Dean.

When his hand came up to cup Sam’s face, pulling him closer, Sam let him.  It would take so little to deny his brother, just the slightest turn of head and they would remain as they were, brothers, just like any other.  He had missed this though, missed this more than anything else.

Dean’s breath was warm on his skin and his cheek caressed Sam’s.  Sam turned into it ever so slightly, his lips dragging over his brother’s skin and he could feel his heart racing.

Dean pulled back, letting his thumb brush over Sam’s bottom lip.  He didn’t try to touch Dean’s thumb, knew like so many other things that this was a line they couldn’t cross.  His eyes fluttered closed at the feel of Dean’s skin though, at the scent of him, the thought of what he might taste like if he took that digit into his mouth. 

When he opened his eyes, Dean’s eyes were dark with arousal and Sam didn’t try to hide his own.  Dean dropped his hand and pulled Sam away from the edge of the bed, back to the center.  He pulled the blankets up over him and slide between the sheets with Sam.  Sam lay on his back and Dean leaned over him, resting on one elbow as they watched each other.

“I want.”

“You want too much Sammy.”  Dean said softly but it wasn’t harsh.

“Don’t you want the same?”

Dean leaned forward, stopping his lips a breath away from Sam’s.  “Hasn’t that always been our problem?” 

He thought Dean was going to pull away after that comment, but then his brother was brushing his lips over Sam’s and as much as he wanted the perfect quiet they had created, he couldn’t help the moan that escaped him. 

Dean’s lips were as soft as they looked.  He knew that, had known it for as long as he knew what a kiss was, but it was easy to forget those sorts of details when you were trying to.  It was easy to forget the soft sweep of his brother’s tongue or the way Dean would press into him, over him, stilling the nervous energy that had always made him so aggressive with everyone else.

Dean’s lips pressed to his and Sam opened to the familiarity, to the one thing that would offer comfort tonight.  He brought an arm up around Dean’s waist and his brother finally pressed into him, both knees sliding between Sam’s as he settled on top of him. 

Dean’s tongue swept across his bottom lip, not yet asking for entrance but tasting, reassuring, giving time for Sam to pull away if he needed to.  Sam’s hands gripped the back of Dean’s tee shirt to keep himself steady, to stop himself from doing the so many things he dreamed of.  It’d been so long since he’d had this, he was out of practice with the dance they did. 

“It’s alright.” Dean’s words were murmured against his lips. 

His tongue licked at Sam’s upper lip and then traced back to the corner of his mouth.  It was then that his brother slid into his mouth and Sam opened for him, opened to anything Dean wanted of him because he knew Dean would always protect him, would always do what was best for him no matter what else was going on in his head.

The soft glide of Dean’s tongue tangled with his and it was Dean’s moan this time that broke the silence.  Dean’s fingers wrapped in his hair, so carefully as his fingers closed and released, making Sam arch slightly with the feel of it.

He could feel the tears falling by then, knew that they were both so lost that they had to come back to the one thing that had always been theirs. 

Dean slid off Sam’s body, but he pulled Sam with him until they were facing one another.  Sam pushed a knee between Dean’s as his brother pulled his lips back to his.  Dean’s hand was back on his face again, his fingers stroking and calming, running through his tear tracks as if he could disrupt the flow with it. 

Sam pulled back slightly and kissed at his brother’s jaw, just small kisses and he tasted the salt there too, kissed away the falling tears until Dean pulled his lips back to his, removing the taste of tears until there was just Dean.

He didn’t know how long they kissed like that, but lethargy set in as it always did.  When Dean’s nose bumped his, Sam knew it was over but he was almost too tired to register it.  Sam pulled himself in closer to his brother’s side, rested his head on Dean’s chest.

Dean’s arms closed around him and he pressed a kiss to Sam’s temple.  “Go to sleep.”

He opened his eyes and looked up at his brother, beautiful and broken in so many ways.  It was the only place he could say it, the only place they could be honest about this.  In the morning it would be brotherly banter and the next night Dean would be at the bar, trying to find himself some willing entertainment for the evening.  Sam would watch him go, a smile on his face because Dean deserved to find something like that.  But in the end, Dean would always come back to Sam and Sam had learned to stop running from Dean, from this.

“I love you Dean.”

Dean’s fingers trailed over his mouth one last time as he watched him, eyes filled with sorrow and pain and so damn much love they could both choke on it.  He pulled Sam up to him and pressed his lips to Sam’s in chaste kiss but held him there a moment longer.  “I love you too Sammy.”

Sleep began pulling him under almost as soon as he had his head back on Dean’s chest.  He was safe there, and loved.  Sam couldn’t remember a first kiss between them, Dean had always been free with his kisses when Sam was a child.  It had been a long time since they’d given themselves over to this though, to the moments that kept them sane.  It was never anything more, they could never take the steps over that line to make this what it so easily could be, both brothers knowing that there was no turning back from that.  It was enough though.  For tonight, being in Dean’s arms, the taste of his lips still lingering on Sam’s tongue, it was enough to keep the darkness at bay.

 

 


End file.
